The ExMormon's Guide To Liquor - Crash Course

Congratulations, you're taking steps to normalizing yourself into society. A society that takes great pleasure in drinking many different spirits. I could probably write a small book about tequila alone but I certainly don't have time for that. Strap your drunk helmet on and let's do a crash course in liquor!

Oh wow, look at this Martini Glass - FULL OF SIN.

Cocktails, Shots, Rocks, Neat - How A Drink is Prepared MATTERS

This is such an incredibly broad place to start. But you see that beautiful Martini Glass? It's shaped that way for a reason. To keep drinks, like a martini cold. I could go into surface area, why it retains it's cold temp, how it has a long stem so your devil hand won't heat it up (yes i'm talking to you heathen). But let's make one thing clear. It has a certain glass for a reason. I mention this so that you aren't confused when your friend gets a huge hurricane glass and you get a tiny little rocks glass! Now let's move on!

A Heathen in His Natural Habitat, Ready to Drink

Terms To Know

Rail/Well - Cheap alcohol, kept under the bar on a "rail". This is low shelf alcohol, but also the staples of this bar. You can ask for a drink like a "rail whiskey and coke" and it will be cheaper than say a "jack and coke". Asking what the rail whiskey, vodka, gin, etc is common, don't feel embarrassed to ask.

Mid Shelf - This is probably what you have at home. Many consumers purchase mid shelf vodka, tequila, and whiskey to drink at home since it is cheaper to purchase in a store than in a drink. It's also easier to drink and more versatile when making cocktails at home. There are many arguments to be made that marketing alone differentiates price for many spirits between mid and high shelf, especially vodka. I personally cannot taste the different between Grey Goose and Svedka, so I buy Svedka to drink at home. Aged alcohol is different though. The longer it is aged the more expensive and "smooth" it should taste. Bringing us to ...

Top Shelf/Call - Don Julio 1942, Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Yamasaki 12 year Single Malt Whiskey, Herradura, Clase Azul. these brands or bottles will cost you around $90-150 but trust me, these are worth it. Especially as a gift. These are a great treat to drink on the rocks or neat at the end of the week.

86 - Used in restaurants and bars, this means they are out of a specific item. Don't get butt hurt. Occasionally fresh items like herbs will be out, especially on a Thursday night (most restaurants and bars get orders in on Fridays for the weekend rushes).

Tipping - The rule is $1 per drink. But I have some views on that. If it's shots, I do $1 per 2-3 shots. And if you are a regular TIP WELL. Here's why. You will get over poured drinks! And trust me, over the course of your time being a regular you will begin to get free stuff from the bartender, like new liquors that have come in, new craft cocktails that got over poured in the shaker. Trust me, your bartender should be the person you tip the most. Dating tip, take your date to a bar you have frequented. It is so impressive when an individual treats service staff well. It's what drew me to my husband! He treats service workers like royalty!

Neat - No ice

Rocks - With ice

Dry - Usually with wines, martini's referring to a dry one.

Dirty - Martini that has more olive juice in it, can be used for Bloody Mary's and other drinks as well.

Shaken - Ice in a shaker to make the drink "chilled"

Chilled - shots can be chilled by putting them in a shaker first. Some bartenders do this anyways. Rarely you will need to specify this.

Garnish - Whatever is garnished with the drink, limes for margaritas or tequila shots, lemon twists, herbs, etc

Training Wheels - Lime and Salt for your tequila shots. Don't worry they bartender isn't judging you... much. Try a slightly nicer tequila, you won't need these anymore!

Chaser - Milder drink served after a shot or neat pour.

Straight (up) - Shaken and then strained into a stemmed glass

Double Parked/Double Fisting - Get your mind out of the gutter, this means you're drinking two things at once. Don't worry, I do this all the time when I'm getting a new drink at a bar. I drink slowly.

Smashed/Wasted/Plastered - Drunk as a Skunk.

Etiquette

Never Ask for A "Good Pour" - This is so incredibly rude.

Bartenders Make Bank (sometimes) - The bartender probably has another job and drives a Range Rover (depending on the establishment). Don't treat the bartender like some dude making you a drink, he has people in his pocket that tip him very well. This is usually his "fun money". Why should he help you if you're rude to him?

Don't - Whistle, Snap, Wave Money. Wave your HAND, or better yet, just look at the bartender, they know social queues and will be with you ASAP.

Use the "When in Rome" Rule - "What is the most popular cocktail here". Tends to be a good choice. Again, variety is the spice of life. And this is actually easier on the bartender too.

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Let's Move on to Different Drinks

Shots

Long story short, if you want to get imbibed quickly, and economically a shot is the way to go. Most people over 30 don't do shots unless it's a special occasion. College bars offer many shot deals and these bars are where you will see most people doing shots (or a tequila bar). There are many many types of shots but many cocktails can be made into smaller shot sizes. Typically a bar will have a rotating $2 - 3 shot you can consume with your friends. Tequila is a popular one, but I recommend drinking a reposado, it may seem a little pricier (because it is aged longer) but it is worth the extra dollar or two.

Some other popular shots are Kamikaze, Lemon Drop, Buttery Nipple, Alabama Slammer (also a popular cocktail), Melon Ball, and essentially any hard liquor can be a shot. Asking a bartender to get you a shot of their choice might be a disaster. Many bartenders drink whiskey and tequila neat, so they might not realize that you need something that's mixed with liqueur. Or they may be trying to get rid of a rail liquor. Going in with some basic knowledge can make your night easier.

I'll have to call you back, these three tropical drinks are calling my name. #tripleparked

Cocktails

Cocktail, to me, is a very broad term. I have a cocktail bible, I was a bartender for a year and a half, and I also have a cocktail book done into 2,3,4, and even 5 part drinks. I have done extensive research on so many different cocktails and imparting knowledge on the topic has proven difficult. But, this is a crash course so strap yourself in!

The most common cocktails have 3 parts. Typically 1.5 ounces of hard liquor, soda in some denomination, 1 ounce of liqueur and a garnish or maybe even juice. This composition is found in hundreds of drinks and variations. From a simple Vodka Soda to an Old Fashioned their really is a cocktail for everyone. The topic simply is too broad for me to cover in one blog post. But, what flavors do you like? Research before going into a bar, but remember that some cocktails are regionally obscure. Or regionally popular. Many bars that have a cocktail menu will have it on their website as well. Remember not all bars have a large selection of liquor, it might be a primarily wine or an Ale House. Though, even in those cases you can almost always get some kind of cocktail at any of these. Remember, you can usually ask for a sample of a house cocktail and no one will be the wiser that you are a newly minted ExMormon. Comment below your regions best bars and drinks to help your fellow Heathens!

#liquor #exmormon #crashcourse